Well douche your snatch and let's go!
I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
The police scanner is talking about you again....
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
No dude shes like 5 feet tall and maybe 100 pounds... Normally i wouldnt be scared but someone gave her a bat. Thats why im in the bathroom
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
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