I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
We are doing handstands and somersaults in the pool. With an inflatable beer pong table and our regular beer pong table. We're ponging by land and by sea
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
Is cat milk safe for human consumption?
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
I'm getting married
To pizza
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
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