I'd wear matching sweaters with you
So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
Slut skills are useful in every country.
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
He looks like he has a penis
What the fuck
A good one, a good penis
it's official, i've been high in 26 different states, and three different countries.
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
If this week is any indication of my life here I've got to get out ASAP. My liver can't hack it.
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
so i just met a former male stripper who has a lion king tattoo. new BFF? i think yes
I seriously just rolled a joint on my high school diploma. I feel like I've come so far.
My Hitachi broke 1 day into this stay home bullshit.
Randomize
