u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
I don't think i can handle my uncle say again that kid rock is a true musician....
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
Randomize
