You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
she burped and cried multiple times. it was like i was getting head from a baby.
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
I think we need to find a happy medium between fried food and dicks. This could end badly.
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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