why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
We had sex in his tahoe, talked about how we don't love each other and then high fived twice. Best Day Ever
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
He had bigger boobs than me last night and we both weren't wearing a bra so it was a fair judgement
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
I wonder how vigorously I can jack off in a one person tent without being noticed???
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