Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
oh no, don't get me wrong.. she IS really pretty. If you are in to horses or Sarah Jessica Parker.
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
studying for my Anatomy final and masturbating to Japanese porn are practically the same thing
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
Now I can't unsee my hot boss's under-boobs. Monday will be awkward.
Pics or STFU
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
Serious question, on a scale of go for it to what the fuck are you thinking, what's me going to a monk or any religious official and saying "baptize me daddy" in a serious voice?
Randomize
