My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
The hot Japanese girl in my class just said her "favorite sexy American actor is Nick Cage." That, I can work with.
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
If Anthony Weiner can get in trouble for sexting 2 or 3 girls I dunno how politicians will make it in 10 years.
Lol I would vote for a guy that is trying to be a senator that has a viral video of him motorboating a topless chick
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
I'll do anything with you, except downhill sports and butt stuff.
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
I currently don't understand fingers.
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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