I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
Mattress luging...It's a long story.
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
just saw someone in just a bathrobe not even tied shut run to the bathroom with a facefull of cum. Someone had a good night
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
He has blue eyes of sex and i am powerless against them
Doesn't tell me where my computer chair went but good to know
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
So then edible panties?
Jesus no he likes candy too much, I'd lose a lip
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
Randomize
