does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
he has been on a 2 week bender, has been homeless for a week and a half, and leaves for madagascar in 2 days. Do we worry or is that normal?
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
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