So I'm stoned for 420, and have an eye doctor appointment in fifteen minutes
Are your eyes okay
I mean if I was Asian they would be
I just found 'pokemon orgy' in my search history
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
within five minutes of being here her dog found my vibrator in my bedroom and was carrying it around all proud! and her mom is here. so embarrassing :(
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
