yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
you kept calling numbers in ur phone book and saying, "I love your show, I'm a long time listener, first time caller."
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
im probably the most hungover person watchin icarly right now
21 Guys Share Their Insane Stripper Stories
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
I still love him regardless of his misguided forays into heterosexuality
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
27 Reasons Why Men Need To Moan More During Sex
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
She was giving me head while we were in my tree house, my mom then came out to let the dog out so she stopped so I would stop groaning, was it good? You tell me
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything