My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
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And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
i miss freshman lecture halls much harder to take shots in a class of 20
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Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
My life is pants optional.
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
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