I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
i've never heard her scream louder than when the koreans scored. what am i lacking in bed?
Just coat-checked 2 backpacks full of 40's...it was the bouncer's idea.
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
One small step for man, one big gay fierce leap for gays!
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
