i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
the problem is i have six tabs of acid in my freezer and no self control
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
Am I just high or is she having an auction for her vagina on Twitter
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
Randomize
