Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
If I were a hot girl. I'd whore around, I'd be awesome.
pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
I love how my cats smell like pot.
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
He's on the bus now and took off his Amish hat so just his long ginger beard is present. Goodbye, majestic Amish ginger. Go forth and represent your minority well.
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
Enjoy the penises
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
Randomize
