birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
she said she likes her vagina punished
being with you and your tiny dick is punishment enough
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
Improvement. She went from pretending she was the soccer ball in the world cup games and it hurt when they kicked her to passed out on the floor.
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
She really wants to put my dick in her mouth, and to be honest I really don't want to put it there.
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
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