So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
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