a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
Its not really a relationship, its more of a sex for booze program.
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
You -do- realize there are other things to talk about than just how different parts of you smell like pussy, right?
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
Randomize
