happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
The walls are thin & apartments are narrow so all the bedrooms are next to each other. Our complex could compete in synchronized orgasms.
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
Randomize
