first missing my period. then crying at the clinic... but why?
we had sex 3 months ago. you missed your period 2 weeks ago. but nice try.
i kept saying "bloody hell" in a ron weasley accent until i forcibly told myself to shut up
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
As long as you're not dating white guys again.
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
I think girls have an advantage in chugging contests. We know how to just open our throats.
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
u ever get horny for food. i ordered a bunch of crepes and its doin it 4 me
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
Randomize
