life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
Randomize
