i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
DR UNK TOWN USA
TEAM USA GO AMERICA
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
My hook-up from last week somehow found me at the club, saw the girl I was trying to fuck, kissed me right in front of her, and walked off.
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
Randomize
