either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
I'm thinking about that time I was in a trashbag and you spray painted my hair yellow
i just had to hear from a third party that he came inside of me
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
I want to die, ON THAT, with that INSIDE ME. ironically, I sense that would be the only time I'd feel alive.
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
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