just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
Should I feel badly because I just bought a really hot pregnant girl a drink after I lit her cigarette?
Please don't use social media to get back at me.
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
Confirm for me that it's be a bad idea to sleep with the 50 year old that's currently hitting on me?
having someone tell me to "prepare my vagina" is not really something I want to hear..
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
I woke up sick this morning, maybe sucking a random dudes finger at a bar last night wasn't that clean of an idea.....
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
Randomize
