she requested me as her brother on facebook.... biggest. letdown. ever.
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
i have no feeling in my penis or fingers but i think it was worth it
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
Ya but I plan to getting arrested more towards the end of summer
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
Randomize
