On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
Is this a definitive no? All is forlorn? Such is fine, but i'm drunk and a sucker for concrete answers
you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
they're both coked to the gills having a shouting match about the powers and abilities of godzilla. and using the wikipedia entry on the topic to support their respective arguments.
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
And the cockring thing wasn't sexual.
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
I think I need practice at oral sex
I own a practice facility.
Randomize
