I just won Halloween Walk of Shame Bingo!
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
Aw c'mon. You have to see if the spinning penis rumor is true.
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
