I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
His mom took away his car and made him quit his job.
HE'S 26!!!
so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
She made me go down the fire escape when her mom came for breakfast.
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
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