You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
p.s. you have a small clit
YOU ARE THE MOST AWKWARD PERSON ALIVE.
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
We haven't had hot water in our dorm all weekend. Do you know if there is any other way to wash off shame?
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
Randomize
