I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
who loves string cheese????? I LOVE STRING CHEESE!!!
you know...if you didn't give such great head little things like this would ruin our friends with benefits relationship.
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
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