Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
Best look from Detroit today: running across the street with your buttcheeks on display carrying a 40 oz. Or maybe being crazy-pregnant and screaming and slamming a pay phone. Toss up.
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
guess they didn't have any donuts in her size.
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
We've been walking through the woods for two hours, he just keeps taking pictures. At least we'll remember this tomorrow.
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
Randomize
