I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
We smoked speed and opium for the first time. ended up harvesting cucumbers with locals at 9am in a farmers field. Laos is fuckin crazy.
I guess I made wings because there's chicken everywhere. Even on the walls. 3 of them. It's like a chicken grave yard.
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
I dont need your sympathy!!!! Just a fifth of vodka and gummy bears...lots and lots of gummy bears to take my agression out on.
Randomize
