yeah she is the one who tells people i beat girls.. which ironically make me want to punch her in the face
First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
giving him head while hes talking to his fiancee on the phone about inviting me to their wedding.... im invited. should i go or would that be wrong?
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
dont worry it didnt get any better. she locked herself in his room and was screaming at the top of her lungs "IM GUNA PEE ON YOUR BED"
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
Phone sex soon? I mean date. Sex date. Date phone.
all 3? possibly?
I think I'm up to the challenge.
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
That's how pantless uber rides happen
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
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