break up sex still means we will always be broken up.
party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
We're using joints as your birthday candles
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
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