it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
I'm having horrible flashbacks of being groped by Pauly Shore.
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
he called us the olsen twins. we also rapped ignition much to his dismay.
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
If we all have the time, and the weather permits, and you have no plans, we should have another go at Operation Get Our Carless Friends Laid. All the lonely people will be out. We can take our lonely people out too.
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
Life lesson 8263 if drinking a beer in the shower be careful when shampooing... Tresemme flavored rolling rock sucks
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
Randomize
