this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
My cousin just told me i smelled good. She must like the smell of cum.
whore
Does getting a boner while watching the celtic women sing opera on ETV make me cultured?
I told him that all frat guys do it... it was that easy to get him to go down on me.
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
he ended the message XOXO, who the fuck does he think he is GossipGirl.
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Randomize
