so i gave him head in the movie theater last night. thought we were alone til I heard the clapping from the other side of the theater after he'd finished.
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
you are not perverted enough for this relationship to work out.
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
I actually didn't mind her sub-par blowjob skills.. It took me back to a time when skipping class was noticed, and my liver didn't look like a worn out shoe
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
He was my shower sex Sherpa last night. And we both made it safely up the mountain.
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
You cried for a while then lifted lots of weights then cady's ex put glitter on your tits and then you took a nap. I got you pizza and brought you home. Nothing too exciting.
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
is it just me or does "lol" kill any sort of vibe while sexting?
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
Randomize
