Pat told us he showed us his penis because he's "a nice guy".
Bonnaroo quote of the day: "why the fuck am i pregnant?!?!" - exclaimed loudly by random hippie.
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
That's all? I'm a pro at gay chicken. I'll touch his dick, I have no problem with that.
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
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