So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
we've already established he's totally wasted. but now he's just sitting at his computer, doing i don't know what, and he keeps saying "dammmn girl" in a really low whisper
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
I don't deserve a penis
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
I found the guy I hooked up with last night on Wikipedia, at least now I know how old he is.
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
Randomize
