I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
I'm thinking we should try to start remembering stuff we do. Althought I kinda like feeling like Nancy Drew the next morning.
More like the Hardy Boys cause its kinda like a team effort.
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
Randomize
