textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
GO HOME AND LIKE EVERYTHING ON COLT'S FACEBOOK UNTIL 2007.
Wtf it's a Friday night?
PRIORITIZE.
just rolled a joint with wrapping paper.. and you say i have no christmas spirit
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
Randomize
