I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
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I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
My neck kind of hurts. I think from sleeping on the concrete.
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
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I just ran into the woods like an idiot because ADVENTURE.
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
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