I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
I'm quite proud of this turning point from one night stands to giving some guy a BJ to fix my car for free.
Sorry for rubbing my feet on you and repeating "good pony, stay."
I don't think I can look at him the same way anymore after he walked in my room wearing a short skirt with a boner.
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
It was Thanksgiving sex. I was thankful for it. Need I say more?
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
I told you for Halloween we just need to let the loins free! Let the girth come to us in a flock, drenched with passion!
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
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