He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
no, she just came home, mumbled about being a gerbil out of water then ate half cooked chicken nuggets.. normal night
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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