I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
OMFG BINX FROM HOCUS POCUS IS MCGEE IN NCIS!!!!!!!! most. epic. realization. ever.
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
i think of them as a grilled chicken salad and a fried chicken biscuit. obviously Amy is better for me, but when i'm eating her all i can think about is how much better the blonde must taste.
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
Why do I always end up with closet ICP fans?
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
Randomize
