oh well we may not be friends on facebook but at least i got laid
HOLY SHIT! Did you see the dick on that Great White Shark?!?!?!
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
I somehow ended up with a bottle of red wine in one hand and white in the other and would drink them at the same time. Ruined
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
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