I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
Chick took off her bra in the middle of class cuz it was "too hot." How's going out of state feel now?
Nobody is stopping the marines from drinking in class on veterans day. They literally brought a cooler with a bottle of whiskey and vodka on ice. And are passing out red cups to anyone interested. Staying in Vegas for college has officialy become an A+ decision
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
please let it be arousing that I used numbers to figure out how well I'd give you head
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
I think he has some internal "man stuff" that keeps getting in the way.
Like alcoholism and general douchbagary.
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
I don't remember anything beyond the drinking game but I woke up in my own pee this morning so I'm just gonna go out on a limb and say I overdid it.
Randomize
