i think the cat found all the blow we lost...
i was trying to give him roadhead and my tits kept knocking his cheap shifter into neutral...was the first time my tits have ever cock blocked me
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
Chasing tequila with honey. Ill let you know how it turns out.
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
I want to die, ON THAT, with that INSIDE ME. ironically, I sense that would be the only time I'd feel alive.
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.