god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
Nobody is wearing shirts anymore. What is happening.
will emailing you the 64 kama sutra positions I want to try during the 3 days your here turn you on or terrify you?
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
she screamed "gravy"!!! in the guys face and then stole the very large mans food in line ahead of us... that was just the beginging of the police report.
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
So the " I'm gay but curious" thing worked. You owe me 50 bucks.
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.