Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
so are you any less fat since you started doing blow?
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
I cleaned out the fridge, had to pound the brews. I am going to be wrecked for my final at 1
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
Tbh you just need to fuck it out like I don't know another solution
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
Randomize
