turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
JAMES WASHOMGTON STATE ATTACKED US
WE'RE FYCKED UL HARDCORW
THE REISLING ATRACEX US
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
Can't talk, ducks in the car
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
Randomize
