i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
you threw your tampon into someones open car window...while they were driving.
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
I really think that guy just walks around with tennis balls in his pocket. No dick is that big
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
Just saw a couple do like 5 Sakai bombs and my dad goes "who says love is dead"
First week is awesome. Freshman girls prancing around everywhere like newborn baby deer looking for a dick to jump on
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
Also, you think turning 23 is bad, I just ran into the guy that gave my chlymidia
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
Randomize
