omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
The pride tent is doing free lube tastings. There is also a mechanical bull.
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
I wonder if the sex shop has any Black Friday deals.
Randomize
